Aftermath of the Downfall.  

2 am and a day has passed since my catastrophic destruction.

Up until today, I still don't know how I can escape from the hole I dug so deep in. Never had I been scared so much in my life that after effects still scare me. I don't know how to face people, much less face a person I've pushed away for my irresponsibility. With kindness, I have returned abuse. I have even blamed the person for being too good to me when I only learn my faults through whips, through harsh methods, through shouting and scolding.

I have not yet grown up.

Its really sad now that I reflect upon my life because trading has only been a reflection of a deep seated problem inside of me. It would have turned out sooner, I suppose, but I would have probably delayed my self=destruct button in just a matter of a few more trades, unless I just get lucky but I'll still end up in the same conclusion.

I am far more vicious than a monster trapped in a bottle because my monster can go far and disguise itself as just a chameleon that can quickly change gears. I can be a demon and an angel at the same time and that has been such a difficulty that I've never recovered from.

I only become a good kid whenever I am scolded, whenever I am scared.

I have never, I suppose, really understood what unconditional love is.

I've never grown up with such a thing for the past 20 years.

The people who love me, I even push away through my words and actions.

I have lived in a world where I might be a Christian, I might have loved God, sang praises to God in church, helped children who have not gone to school but when there's something wrong at me, I never correct them unless I am freaking scared.

And freaking scared is not even perhaps the right word to describe my state right now.

I suppose there are secrets that we have in this life that , sooner or later, will come out and they will be things that we think we can never live as normally as we would have, had they not been left a secret.

My problem is that when I do a person wrong, I have always gotten away with it mainly because people normally can take just so much "wrongs" in life.

People could not withstand tremendous amounts of wrongs, thats why, I was able to overcome them. The problems seemed small compared to my abilities.

However, when kindness meets me, I've often done stupid things. I mean it.

The people who had loved me the most are also the people I've hurt the most.

I couldn't live knowing so much hurt and pain that I've caused that I only try to do things more.

If I flunked a test, I would have simply studied more.
Back then, If I had gotten a D in accounting, I just had to study for the next exam. My parents, my family would have known how sad I was with my failure but failing, to them, is something that is common to everyone. Also, in our values system, a test is a test. There will be other tests. As long as one would study harder, the next exam will at least be higher.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I've always passed my next series of exams. I have usually learned from one mistake. I have never repeated them quite again. When I reflect upon my life, I don't think there was any endeavor where I committed the same mistake twice or even thrice. I always had gotten away, learned my lesson, and moved on.

Not in this case, and this time...a lot of people are already mad.

It pains me to know that I don't think I can ever smile again.

AGAIN.

The last time I told myself "I think I can never smile again." was when I loved, I suppose I thought I loved, a person so deeply, that I couldn't understand how it seemed easy to dismiss things as a non-event.

I think it took me about 2 years at least to recover from whatever experience that was. It influences me up until this day. So now you know why I can be sordid at times. My family most especially would often tell me that I am the most stubborn person in the world and that all I ever cared for was myself. It had always been me, trying to be independent, knowing everything, fixing my own problems. I had to cope up. I had to find myself and solve my needy side. I had to move on.

Anyway, things today have crept inside the veins of my brain cells. I've tried everything I could to escape the heavy feeling in my heart of the nightmare that came alive in my world. I am like the princess in the Rumpelstiltskin fairy tale..where the king locked me in a room with a pile of straw, who had to turn them all into gold the following day. Or so I had pressured myself to be, which had led me to my ultimate downfall. Because I have no rumpelstiltskin. I have no genie who would give me my happily ever after. I only have myself. And I couldn't get up to the plate during the pressure.

The problem was...I locked myself in the addiction of pressuring myself to the highest limits.

No one was expecting anything. It was my brain that was trying to find a way out when the more I try to do so, the more I end up losing myself, my sanity, and more and more into the quicksand. I've pushed the people who have cared for me. That was the mistake I've made.

Had I not felt any pressure to make money, to recoup anything, I figure none of this would have happened. I would not have had the eagerness to think all sorts of theories, all sorts of strategies just to fix the problem.

The difference between trading and other things in life, is that the markets are impersonal. The markets dont care. The markets are simply psychological patterns of supplies and demands. The more pressure we have, the more we will not perform.

I dont know if in basketball or in Math or in studies if the same things apply. I think that sometimes its not coz when I pressured myself to perform in school and I studied hard, i had direct results. The markets are independent of whatever or how many hours you diligently work yourself off... the only thing that is constant with the market, is that there is always the risk. Try to figure what the market will do is a sure no no. Whether it be technicals or fundamentals.

Risk management has always been the key.

Because in the markets, when you humbly approach that your cup is empty, that you know nothing, you never ever go into a trade without a plan.

Trading with a plan, to me...and following that plan...no matter how simple those words are, and no matter how often repeated they are, are the only reasons why successful traders are alive today. They never knew what the markets were going to do. They just managed the risks. They always predefined how much they were going to lose in any trade.

So what had I learned?

Well I've learned a couple of points...

1.) Dont pressure urself
2.) Always learn
3.) Empty your cup.

Thats all. really. I can go on and specify the exact trading cutlosses but it all boiled down to the psychological error of trying to pressure myself to earn.

That was the ultimate downfall.

-Nix